The dam bursts

I have been pushing myself for weeks now. Unfortunately the fatigue remains. My iron is low. The insurance carrier stated I have to fail venofer an older low dose IV iron. This can also be given IV push in the acute care setting. However where I work, we don’t administer Venofer.

Now I am stuck because in order for me to get the higher dose iron , I have to fail the low dose iron that isn’t even available for me to try. So I talked to a few people. I was given some assurances but I am so tired .

The dam burst today when my dad said I wasn’t doing a good enough job cleaning. I was also upset because I had swept and cleaned the kitchen to only find it still looked dirty due to the old white floors in our rented residence. ( I will never agree to keep white floors where I move next. If they cannot change the floors, I won’t move in if I have other options.) Usually I can be like whatever , you can do it when you feel better and move on. However this week his back is bothering him a lot. I am younger and supposed to have more energy than him. I should be ok enough to do it. But I was having a hard time. Because I was supposed to have the IV iron yesterday but it got denied. Too late in the day we considered an alternative drug.

Top it off my cycle came early. In a way it is good because next weekend I am on call. I don’t want to have a heavy period and work the next 12 days feeling even more fatigued. Bottom line insurance companies stink. My non- healthcare friends think I should have been insurance coverage than them. Ahem. Not true guys!

Now you may ask why not take birth control. Well no one bothered to educate and give me many options. They told me my uterine lining is extra thick because of my normal size ovarian cysts, except the one on the right looks a bit bigger they told me on the pelvic ultrasound. Oh great and the oral contraceptives will raise my blood pressure. I can’t afford that with my one working kidney. Told the gynecologist, I guess I will have to bleed then. She had nothing supportive or nice to say. This is one reason I hate going to the gynecologist in the first place. They judge me for not being what they usually see, most women my age have had children and are married or in some sort of relationship.

Is it my fault totally that I am still single? That despite not having given birth, that I don’t look like a model? We need to start normalizing it is ok to say you are not ok. That we all come in different shapes, sizes and lifestyles. Also that our lifestyles are not always by our choices alone, but the obstacles we all face in our lives.

Updates

I have been busier with my new position I started in March of this year. I remained with hematology/oncology , but in a different organization. It has been a steep learning curve. I have finally learned sometimes you have to admit you are not ok. I required hydration earlier this week. I am awaiting to see if insurance company will approve IV iron for next week.

I have had a few trips since the last time I posted. It felt amazing to travel again. April 11-15th I was in Cancun on all exclusive resort with my family.

My niece Aria reaching for a treat for herself and her older brother Ayaan in Cancun, Mexico at the resort we stayed at.

My mother posing at the Mexican eatery we had dinner at one of our nights in Cancun.

My lovely parents pictured above in Cancun.

We needed to have a group picture before my brother in law flew out the next day.

It was my first flight since Covid-19 and the first for my niece Aria.

Next my uncle invited me for a weekend getaway during July 4th weekend.

My cousin Sarina and I in Montreal. My uncle loves Montreal due to is European feel and it’s quicker to get to along with being cheaper than going to actual Europe.

Above inside the Bacilla

Sarina and I in the bacilla

Finally a solo pic of me lol.

Beautiful skyline of Montreal captured by Sarina.

The featured picture in this post was captured by Sarina during our trip to Montreal recently.

Upcoming plans include traveling to California for a family friend’s wedding in August 2022. I do plan on also going to Disneyland with my nieces and nephews on this trip as well. First for them and me! I went to Disney World as a child. I enjoyed my last trip to California , I got to try a duck egg. Hmm rather stick with chicken eggs or go vegan next time lol.

Hopefully next time I post I will have nice memories of California to share. Here I am signing off for now.

Shaking off the negativity

I had been feeling down lately. In the current pandemic feeling burnt out is a common complaint. It is categorized by poor motivation and feeling fatigued. I have been having more migraines. The nausea feeling and pain behind one or both my eyes troubles me when they are severe.

However my mood changed suddenly. I have been seeing a mix of cancer and blood disorder afflicted patients since January of this year. But one woman today newly diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer, changed my gloomy mood. Despite everything she was going through during her visit today, she gave me a compliment. She also believed in our first visit, that I was part of her team to beat this terrible disease.

Now often I think of myself as just a small piece of their journey. I am not the oncologist. I am not that knowledgable about all the treatment options. I do know some side effects and some of the signs of progression. I do help manage the side effects of treatment.

Ultimately this one woman made me feel like what I do little or maybe a bit more than that, does matter.

I plan on refocusing myself on my goals both professionally and personal.

The Suitors

So the idea is that is about a Indian American girl stuck between what she desires for herself versus expectations from her family and society as a whole.

Hi this is the story of ups and downs as Sonia Dhawan searches for her true love or as they say soulmate.

Prologue

There are some incidents based on true events. There is no intention to harm the feelings or incriminate anyone that this fictional character as met in her travels and journey to find her true soulmate.

It is told in first person point of view.

I stare up at the luxury townhouse development. Today was a different day from all of the other days and times I thought about this day. I was expecting to die an old maid. I would be ridiculed by family and society because I didn’t fit in their mold of things. Heck I had so many arranged first dates, I lost count. Many of them never came back for a second date. A few lasted a few months until we realized we were not meant to be.

I expected to leave this world, the way I came into the world. Of all the ups and downs I faced in my life, I never expected this to ever become my reality. Honestly life has let me down in the romance department so many times, I am like is this for real? Did I finally snag the right guy for me after all these years?

Where the heck has he been all this time? The heavy bridal wear and suddenly a hand on the small of my back remind me again for the hundredth time, I may have finally found my happily ever after.

Now I am sure you all are wondering how did this girl “finally settle down and tie the knot?”

Stay tuned to find out who my beloved soulmate is but first I will take you through to the ones who either left me behind or I had to let go of.

This is my story. The name was Sonia Dhawan and my married name will be revealed at the very end or should I say at the beginning of the next new chapter of my life.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. I turned away from burnout into a detour. Then other things that usually happen in life occurred. Due to Covid-19 there has been a housing shortage. We as in my parents and I are moving to a place an hour away from where we currently reside. I have and will have to make some some hard decisions in the coming days. I will have to miss my friend’s wedding and I will have to commute longer to work.

Unfortunately the detour I took professionally was not the right choice career wise for me. I have hit another plateau. Now I do not know if and when I will get that next great gig. My motivation to help my team and our patients will not waver until my last day there.

I desperately need a real break like a vacation. I know it is not safe for international travel yet. I would be fine with one stateside if possible. But here is the reality off things, I feel guilty for taking time off for myself. I feel like I will be punished for not taking care of my patients. They are really sick and need me. My boss needs me to do my share and more if possible. It seems like whatever I do, I am still wrong. I am just not good enough. But I will keep trying my best. I have decided to get back in my creative space after so long of not utilizing my time to go there. Stay tuned to a preview of what my next creative project is. I hope it will someday be worth to publish.

What I have learned is you must be happy within to attract everything else you deserve and are meant to have in this life.

We each have our timelines to shine. I was always a shy child growing up. My quiet and reserved ways led others including that should have known me better doubt my abilities. I was sorting through my old things today. We are moving from our current residence in a few weeks. We have lived here for fourteen years. However what I discovered reminding me of struggles of beyond the past decade or so. At the age of seven, educators told my parents I was struggling with school. We moved out of that area when I was nearly eight. In a new school district I continued to struggle, but somewhere along the way I began to break the walls of judgement and I thrived.

At the age of ten I received an award. Now I was not expecting to ever win everything in my life. Despite having two younger siblings and both my parents I felt alone for the most part. This award was for most improved female student of the year. Now a few years ago, I was proclaimed to be a below average student. As time went on, I continued to plagued by barriers because no one thought I was worth it or could do it. But I kept fighting and I did push along as I prayed. It happened again in college and graduate school. I was told I shouldn’t be a nurse or pursue graduate degree in a clinical based program. I fell into depression, but I always got up. The moral of the story is, we are defined by the molds of society or others around us, we ourselves can fight for what we believe is our destiny. If you have a dream don’t let anyone take it from you.

Today I have a masters degree in nursing. I am proud to say I never gave up. I get to help others everyday. That was one of my dreams and I am currently living it. If I can do it, so can you!

Over a year later Covid-19

I honestly didn’t think we would still be here. Personally I cannot imagine anything ever being close to remotely normal anytime soon. As each month passes I feel more forlorn that my dreams and goals will be put on hold. I will probably remain single for bit longer. Online dating seems like a waste of time, because we are all afraid to meet up as Covid-19 cases rise despite vaccinations being available in limited quantities across the country.

Barriers to things not bouncing back include our government officials playing politics rather than working together to improve public health education and regulations. The vaccine rollout has been a disaster especially in my state. I got vaccinated but it took me six weeks to get my second vaccine. I was fortunate I must say to be vaccinated. However this does not free me to not contract Covid-19. Why must this virus be more intense than the ones before it? Why did more people have to lose their homes, jobs and sanity this time around?

Overall, there needs to be changes in policies. There needs to be more emphasis on science. Patients and others I know ask me, ” When can we stop wearing masks?”

I truly have no answer. The CDC has not been forthcoming either on a timeline. We all have been advised to continue to wear masks in public and in private if those around us are vulnerable or unable to be vaccinated at this time.

Every morning when I start my day, I am grateful to have a roof over my head. I am grateful to be employed. There is much I wish I could do but it is not safe yet. Although I am vaccinated, I am hesitating to out a timeline on when and where I will be traveling first. Airports and airplanes are places the transmissions of the variants can be more likely. There is also the fact that many countries are restricting which countries’s citizens they would allow in at this time.

Truly and honestly we are all fighting to survive this pandemic, We are all afraid to bring it home to our friends and family. Precautions may not always be enough. However I truly recommend if you can get vaccinated, please do. Let’s also pray things begin to improve, so that we can live our lives to the fullest.

Bullying is not okay

The title for this post is pretty direct. As a child I had faced bullying. It affected me relentlessly that I promised myself to not let others go through what I did. It was really difficult for me to deal with huge dip in self-esteem. Even until this day if someone is nice or says that they want to be my friend I get taken aback. Even my cousins and siblings thought I was weird or not cool growing up. Why would someone prefer my company?

If anyone says they got my back, I seriously have self-doubt that they really do. Bullying has happened throughout my life. Just when I think I can deal with it and defend myself, it happens again in a situation or two and I fall apart again.

My self-esteem took hits in the workplace. Just when I think hey I am surrounded by well rounded mature adults, it still happens. Racial profiling or because of the fact I am trying to advance my education or because others are reaching out to me for help. Management gets wary.

They assume I cannot possibly have caught on or know what I know. It’s like grade school again. Even when I dared to advocate for my team, I get shut out and reprimanded for something that was in the grey area. I was told to go to human resources to complain. However, that would have increased the risk of whiplash and more drama. I worked hard with blood sweat and tears like no other time thus far. We all faced the fear of Covid-19. But none of us deserve to be bullied for trying to do the right thing.

So in the end, I did what was best for my mental health. My patients and some of my team will miss me. But as Gandhiji said those who stay and suffer even when they can do something to change the situation are not solving anything either.

Moral of the story, stand up against bullying. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how accomplished you are, they are people who just don’t want to see you bettering yourself. It is a cruel world, but we can work a bit each day to improve it. Bullying has lifelong implications. We must work together to end it. For now I will work on rebuilding my confidence.

8 months later..

Covid-19 continues to spread in the US at alarming rates. The second or third waves have hit citizens internationally. Back when I last wrote on this page for March, I did not expect this to last this long. Some have decided to travel for the holiday season. Over the last few years I have grown fond of traveling. However , due to the current pandemic no such plans have made. The last time I sorta traveled was in September to bordering Pennsylvania. We had a short adventure in New Hope area.

Emotions have been running high as we do not have the option of getting away from our troubles and tensions in our daily lives. Not having the opportunity to run out of sight and forget things, has caused us to come to terms with the fact we must face troubles head on. Some of us can handle the heat and others have not been able to. The first few weeks of lockdown, I struggled for a bit to register what was going on but then I was thought ok, this will be over by July, but then things did not exactly get any better.

My mind like so many others right now, is screaming for a break from everything including my family and home. I wonder how some of us can find ways to travel and buy new homes, or get new jobs, while rest of us remain stuck. I feel happy for those who tied the knot or got new opportunities. But I cannot stop thinking when will it finally me by turn. The past decade or so in healthcare has been draining. I cannot save them from the anxiety nor can I find myself capable of coping properly since the pandemic. Before there seemed to be a light. I could be planning to meet friends and plan my next trip. But now I do not know when I will see anyone truly freely again. I want this pandemic to be over. But even then will I find a way to improve my life? I want to have a all rounded life and not be caught between work and home life.

Covid has taught me some things. Health is wealth. I am more physically active than I was before. Whenever I travel again, I hope not to tire easily. I will treasure every moment, whether I go alone or with someone I know.

The freedom when it is safe to embrace it again, I shall never take it for granted again. As we wait for the vaccine to be released, I hope it works and does not cause any ill long term effects. I pray there is a sturdy treatment. I hope we stop losing people to this deadly virus and self isolation has inflicted on many of us.

What Covid-19 has brought to light

I know everyone must be going insane quarantined at home. Covid-19 is something we were not prepared for. So many lives lost and affected by this virus. What makes  this worse than West Nile or Ebola or even SARS? None of them had the power to shut our economy down the way Covid-19 has. Millions of people have either lost their livelihood or may in the coming weeks.  The other epidemics did not hold this power over us. Healthcare workers and others died before due to other illnesses, why are more dying now? Why does this feel like a war that we the world are at a loss? Healthcare workers were not all trained to fight a war, yet these first few months of 2020 are feeling  quite like one. This time there are no exact tools. If you survive , you live to tell the truth.

Something I do not understand is who sends their soldiers out to fight a war without armor or weapons? We have the compassion and training  but not enough personal protective equipment. Healthcare workers cannot practice social distancing. It goes against everything we are meant to be.  Just like firemen and police officers cannot stand far from a fire or criminal, we have to walk  towards our patients not away.

The healthcare system that exists in our nation has been failing its workers and those they serve for years. Covid-19 made us realize we  should have revamped into preventive care many years ago. Retired members of the system they fought to do their part for years, are returning to the field to die. They should not have to die like this.  Everyone deserves  the right to live a  quality filled life. As many of us fight to keep others live and keep our sanity, I must say  America as a nation we need to rebuild our healthcare system. Being a first world country in modern times, we did not have a back up plan. What is this telling the rest of the world? How can we be an inspiring superpower without utilizing our resources properly? When this is over, let’s pledge to be better. Treat each other with respect always no matter what race or where we come from, or what we believe in. Overall this has taught us, we are all humans and something  we cannot visualize can break us. So let’s pray together now for whatever spiritual being we believe in, that is over soon, so we can rebuild this great nation like many  before us have.